It’s the end of May and the sky is stepping out of fire and into earth and air. I felt that this week.

Last month was about doing all the things to set myself up for success. This month feels different. I’m grounded and in my emotions. As soon as the energy shifted, I found myself facing some major decisions.

It felt like the Universe was asking me to prove that I wanted what I had been asking for.

I love a good question, and two weeks ago on the podcast I asked:

“What do you really want?”

I thought I was asking that question for everyone listening.

Turns out, I was asking it for myself too.

Funny how that happens.

Sometimes we think we’re teaching something, when really we’re sitting in the front row taking notes.

Once I stopped giving the polished answer and got honest with myself, I realized wanting something and wanting it right now are two different things.

Following the Pull

I’m on the final read-through of my novel, That Night on the Bridge.

I’m having to do things backwards because after being laid off last year, money is still tight. The book is finished, but I’m still saving for the cover.

In the meantime, I plotted the next novel and wrote two chapters.

I thought I had writer’s block.

Turns out, I just don’t want to write this story.

At least not right now.

Dream or Goal?

I’ve been feeling a pull toward screenwriting.

I have two scripts sitting quietly waiting for me.

The week after that podcast episode aired, I read a newsletter from Kelly Notaras where she asked:

“Is your book a goal or a dream?”

That question sat with me.

If I’m honest, this fourth novel is a dream right now. Not because I don’t want to write it, but because I’m realizing I want to tell stories in a different way too.

I still want to tell stories.

I just want to tell them through different media.

I want to see them on a screen.

Trusting Yourself Enough to Try

That pull toward L.A. is back.

There’s a screenwriting class at UCLA that I want to take.

Yes, I could take it online from my living room here in Texas.

But that isn’t what I want.

And maybe that’s what self-trust really looks like:

Knowing what you want and giving yourself permission to try.

Even if it’s only six months.

Even if it makes no logical sense on paper.

I love this about midlife.

I’m realizing that we become brave enough to stop asking whether we’re allowed to want something.

Returning to Joy

My third novel will still be published before the first day of summer as planned.

And maybe the fourth one will see the light of day by November like I scribbled in my planner.

Maybe not.

What I do know is that the second episode of my script will get written over the next month.

Because I’m finding joy there.

And that may be the best writing advice I’ve ever given:

Follow your joy.

In my case, it just might lead to my name rolling in the end credits of TV shows and movies.

So I’ll ask you the same question I asked on the podcast:

What do you really want?

And more importantly—

Are you trusting yourself enough to admit the answer?

Childhood dreams never really die.

They simply come back when they think you’re ready and wait patiently for you to trust yourself.

Love and light,
Portia 💛

Reading this month:
Kelly Notaras on Substack: https://kellynotaras.substack.com/

Tell me: What Substack newsletters are you loving lately?